How To Distance Yourself from Sentimental Items
Sometimes all we need is a new way of seeing things.
One common approach to sentimental items is to decide if the item sparks joy. While this approach works for some, it is really just too abstract for many of us who find joy in oh so many items. As such, I am constantly on the look out for new strategies to make "joy" more concrete.
In this previous post I discuss using your vision to decide if you want to keep an item. In another previous post I discuss using your values to clarify your vision and decide if something brings you joy. These two strategies can help us decided if an item is worth keeping in our home. But they might not be the best tool for you, as such I write today to offer yet another way to make this concept of joy more concrete.
Recently, I was listening to The Happiness Lab, a podcast hosted by Laurie Santos. She interviewed Ethan Kross about his book Chatter: The Voice in our Head (And How to Harness it). This book explores that inner voice we all have. It provides strategies we can use to respond to that anxious voice that can stop us from being the full manifestation of our best selves.
As I listened to the podcast, I thought of so many of my clients who share their inner monologs about the anxiety they feel about releasing sentimental items. (And, let’s be real, my own anxieties around releasing sentimental items.) After the podcast I read the book, and adapted his strategies for those of us who find joy in everything. His book and the podcast explore a lot of strategies, and while many of them might be helpful in decluttering sentimental items, I want to focus one idea — distancing ourselves from the items.
He offers many ways ways to distance ourselves, but I am focusing on these two because when I tried them out on myself, the person who kept a pistachio for years because of the memories it held, I felt so much relief.
Speak to yourself using the pronoun “you” and your own name rather than using the pronoun I. So, for example, rather than saying, “I love this book so much, but I know I need space for toys.” You change the language to say, “Anne Marie, you love this book, but you also need space for your new babies’ toys.” This change in language creates distance between you and the object. For me, it also helps me think more clearly about the space I have, and the best, most logical, way to use that space.
Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend in this similar situation. Take a moment to think about how you would advise a friend struggling in the same way you are. For example, I might say to myself, “Yes. Books are great. And I see why you might want to keep all of these books, but I think you are in a new space in your life. Giving up some books will give you space for your son to have new toys. This seems like a great way to transition from one part of your life to another.” This change in perspective can give you distance from the item and help you zoom out and see this from a broader vantage point. From this vantage point, I am able to include my son’s perspective. This gives me comfort.
Again, Kross offers a lot of strategies for responding to that anxious voice in our head, and I may highlight more of those at a later time. I am sharing these two strategies because I find some solace in them. I loved the books I gave away. So many of them were part of the vision I have for the world, and they really represented my values. Sometimes I miss those books. But when I hear myself speak about them in this new way, I feel comforted that I did the right thing giving them away. Now, I still have books, but I have space for my son to play. I am able to enjoy both of these things simultaneously.
When my son was born, I realized I needed to make space for him and his stuff. Unfortunately, the most logical items to give away were my beloved books. This was incredibly hard for me, but I did it slowly. When I use these distancing techniques to talk to myself about this process, I can see the logic much clearer, and so I share this tool with you today with the hopes of giving you some clarity about and distance from those sentimental items.
